Let me begin by saying that Metal was once a very close and personal friend of mine — until Metal stabbed me in the back and slept with my spouse! Metal then went on to steal my credit card and purcase seventeen cases of adult materials off of the internet. When I attempted to purchase a fishing pole at a local Wal-Mart my credit was rejected; it was embarassing for both me and my date.
Now don’t get me wrong here, but Mr. Jesus is a threat to the national security of our country. I personally saw Mr. Jesus smuggling a fingernail file onboard a flight — to, get this, FILE THEIR FINGERNAILS! I feel violated, as if someone pulled down my metaphorical pants in front of a large crowd of my peers.
Mr. Jesus’s malevolent practices extend far beyond personal assault; they reach even our animal friends. Mr. Jesus is against animals and against owning them. In fact, several years ago Metal drafted Proposition 34B, also known as the Animal Ban Act. It went on to recieve one vote: Metal’s. Now let me ask you: why should someone as hateful as Metal A. Jesus be allowed to roam the streets? I would be afraid to let my children out to play if Metal was anywhere near them. The fact of the matter is this: Metal is also opposed to childrens rights, too! On numerous occasions Metal has thrown wadded up paper and stones at children as they played in a sandbox. Unfortunately, Mr. Jesus fled the scene before the authorities arrived.
I am downright sick and tired of the preachy nature of Mr. Jesus! Metal does absolutely nothing but blame others for their own problems. Did you know that Metal recently blamed me, Metal Jesus, an outstanding citizen of my community and a rolemodel for today’s youth for World War 1! I had not even been born yet, but Metal sure thought that blaming me would make it all better. The fact is that I had nothing to do with WW1, or even WW2 for that matter!
Several summers ago, Metal held a yard sale and sold many defective and fradulent items. Metal sold my friend a chair that supposedly had once belonged to Abraham Lincoln. Metal even had a certificate of authenticity signed by Mr. Lincoln. By the time they got home they realized the chair had a ‘Hello Kitty’ engraving in the back, was made out of plastic and painted brown, and stated ‘copyright 1998’.
April Fools! 😉